How to Become an Award-Winning Writer
By Pam Tallman, Orange County Branch
We all want to be award-winning writers, which means, unfortunately, you have to win an award. So if you haven’t been short-listed for a Pulitzer or a Pushcart, don’t despair, you can still be an award winner. But to do this, you have to enter contests. There are many writing competitions you can enter, ranging from the Writer’s Digest contests to the Independent Booksellers Awards.
Still, if that seems like too much work—because you do need to write a book to enter—I have a contest for you. It’s the Bulwer/Lytton Fiction Contest, named for the Victorian writer who first penned the opening line: “It was a dark and stormy night . . . .” and that’s only the start of the sentence; it goes on for another 51 words. To enter you only need to write the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. Go to www.bulwer/lytton.com, where the “www” stands for Wretched Writers Welcome, and read some past winners. But warning: put a towel on your chair, because they are wet-your-pants funny.
The categories are: Adventure, Children’s Literature, Crime, Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Purple Prose, Romance, Science Fiction, Western, and Vile Puns. Here is my favorite, from Sue Fondrie of Appleton, WI, the winner in the 2012 Crime category:
She slinked through my door wearing a dress that looked like it had been painted on … not with good paint, like Behr or Sherwin-Williams, but with that watered down stuff that bubbles up right away if you don’t prime the surface before you slap it on, and—just like that cheap paint—the dress needed two more coats to cover her.
Writing badly on purpose is harder than it sounds, but it is also liberating and a heck of a lot of fun. I sat down to write one wretched opening line and ended up writing seven. They are so addictive, it’s a good thing they are not high in calories or I’d need a new wardrobe.
The whole point of this exercise is to get you writing. Sometimes we don’t write because a book is such a big commitment, but this is not an onerous project; it’s only one sentence, approximately 50 to 60 words. You can enter as many times as you like, any day of the year.
You’ll soon find yourself jotting down entries on napkins, grocery receipts, and used envelopes. Maybe after tackling a few opening lines, you’ll stop talking about that book you’re planning to write and actually sit down and do it. It all starts with just one line. And who knows, it may win an award.
This piece originally appeared as Pam’s president’s message in the Orange County Branch newsletter.