My Mask Wardrobe: Covid-19 Pandemic Protocols
By Kathryn Atkins, Long Beach Branch
“Mom?” . . . “MOM!?”
“Stop yelling. I’m in the kitchen.”
Mom is making spaghetti sauce. “What’s the problem?”
“I’m going running with my friend. My Nike mask is missing.”
“Wear another mask. You have dozens.”
“I can’t. It won’t match my shoes!”
“I don’t know. Wear your other shoes?”
“SHEESH! No way!”
Before Covid-19, no one even owned a face mask. Except around Halloween, and except if you were a doctor or a dentist or something. Nowadays, masks have masked our sanity, blown mouth breath up our noses, and made us more stressed and anxious.
Mask Matching
What’s the protocol? What does one wear to an online black-tie affair? Does the mask match the pajama bottoms? Nah. Dead giveaway. Do they make masks from tuxedo material? Does the tuxedo mask have a tiny cummerbund attached? What color is it and does it match the woman’s dress? Absolutely yes for a wedding.
It used to be that women would match their brassieres to their panties. It could be that their mask would be a continuation of their underpinnings. Panties, brassiere, mask: Red, red, red. Black, black, black, etc. That would have been the protocol had women not rejected wearing bras altogether during Covid as they did in the 1960s. Equal opportunity, at least, as both ties and bras became casualties of the pandemic.
What else? Does a face mask match one’s handbag? If you can afford purses like Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton, Coach, or Gucci, you wouldn’t be caught on camera without a matching mask, would you? I hate changing purses, but some people insist. Would the fashion police frown at the Kors handbag and Vuitton mask on the same body? Egad!
Alas, don’t we need matching scarves as we approach winter? A Burberry scarf would cry out for its namesake mask, n’est-ce pas? Wouldn’t a “mask-satchel” for quick changes be a great new Amazon item?
Mask Storing and Teaming
Does one’s mask collection go in the accessory drawer or does it have a separate post by the garage door? What’s the most efficient? Should masks dangle around the neck of clothes hangers so each selection is perfectly pre-matched with an outfit? Hmmm.
You too, guys! I just saw a dude wearing a Steeler’s face mask. What if his son’s soccer coach hates the Steelers? Should guys have reversible masks just in case? Maybe men need mask-satchels too. Is Amazon ready for this onslaught?
“Mom?” . . . “I’m back from my run.”
No answer.
“MOM?!!! Where ARE you?”
“I’m in our bedroom. Trying to pick out an outfit for the drive-by.”
“What’s the occasion?”
“It’s your brother’s graduation. Did you forget?”
“Oh. Rats. I was supposed to pick up our masks in his school colors. I forgot.”
“He’ll be mortified. Quick. Call your father. He might be able to pick up some material on the way home from work.”
“Are you nuts? Dad????!!”
“What was I thinking?”
“Yeah. Really.”
By Kathryn Atkins
California Writers Club, Long Beach
©2020
Read about My Piano Hands: A Flash Memoir Collection, the newest
book by Kathryn Atkins, at www.mypianohands.com.