Know When To Fold Them
Dealing Responsibly with the Last Stage of Life
By Mike Apodaca, High Desert Branch
It’s inevitable. We’re all on a slanted waterslide heading toward our own personal end. For many of us, it will be a long end with frailty, memory loss, and possibly severe illness. What can we do to make this time the best it can be?
This last period of life is so difficult because it comes with dire loss. First, we lose our identity. Most of us have spent a lifetime building a self-image as a virile, productive individual. It’s the American way. When our physical bodies no longer cooperate with this image, many will deny reality and pretend that nothing has changed. We will declare that we are as strong as we’ve ever been. In effect, we will lie to ourselves to preserve our identities.
We’re also afraid to lose our autonomy. Independence is sacred to us. We don’t want to be told where we are going to live and what we are going to do or not do. Consider how you’ll feel when someone in your family comes to you and tries to get you to surrender your keys.
But, again, it’s inevitable. There will come a time when it will not be safe for us to drive.
My plan is to try to be realistic about the last stage of life. With open eyes, I will attempt to face the truth about myself and my abilities.
I want to also think of others. My experience is that many of those in this final stage of life become extremely selfish. They shrink the whole world around themselves and what they want. They don’t think about how their actions will affect everyone around them. But not all are so self-absorbed.
When my father-in-law, who suffered severe Alzheimer’s, needed to go into a facility, my wife and I felt horrible. Bob, one of the most macho men I’ve ever met, was surrendering his home, his life, and his independence. My wife asked her dad what he thought as he sat in his new room. He blinked, looked around, and said, “Yeah, this will do just fine.” These were some of the most beautiful words I have ever heard. That’s what I want to do for my family.
Finally, as I approach this difficult time, I will expect there to be some degree of disorientation and illusion. For many of us, our minds deteriorate as we age. About a third of us will experience some form of dementia. I’ve seen older people hallucinate, lose cognitive abilities, and become confused. There’s a good possibility I will too.
The best thing we can do as we age is to talk with our families and friends and develop a plan for what is coming. Where will we live? How will we get around? Who will take care of us? How will we pay for it? Having these discussions early, before the crisis arrives, will ensure a smoother transition to the inevitable.
We are all on that tilted waterslide racing downward. But planning ahead can make it more like a ride and less like a nightmare.
“Know When to Fold Them” originally appeared in the Inkslinger,
newsletter of the High Desert Branch.